The Day I Tried To Drop An F-Bomb.

I remember a night way back in 1994 when I was a junior in high school and my best friend and I were furious at the guys we had crushes on at the time.  After the football game and a school dance, she and I were sitting in my car, in front of the gymnasium, ranting and raving about how stupid those dumb boys were.  Before we knew it, we were tossing around every naughty word in the book.  Obscenities were flying.  F-bombs were dropping.  And for some strange reason, it felt so good.

{Dear Mother & Pam,  I promise this was not a common practice for your two precious angels.  We really were good girls.  Promise.}

That was 17 years ago and I don’t remember a moment since then that I have sooooooooooooooo wanted to re-play that whole scenario.  A moment where I was so freaking mad that I wanted to spew naughty words from my mouth.

Until last week.

We were supposed to leave for Denver this coming Thursday for our IVF cycle.  We were supposed to be gone for two weeks.  We had planned out every little detail.  We purchased my $2400 worth of medication.

We were ready.

Ready for the whole thing to be behind us.

Ready to know if this was going to work or not.

But then…BUT THEN…I went in for an ultrasound to make sure my body was ready.

That’s when they found another cyst.  ANOTHER STUPID CYST.

Another cyst means this IVF cycle is officially postponed until the cyst is gone.

I went to my car and all I wanted to do was scream obscenities from the top of my lungs.

But I didn’t.

I just couldn’t bring myself to say the f-word.  And I really did try.

Instead I just cried.  Because that is every bit as soothing, for some reason.

So for now, it’s back to square one.  The waiting game continues.  I’ll go back in for another ultrasound in a month.  Hopefully the blob will be gone.  Hopefully we’ll be able to move forward at that point.

Please continue to pray with us through the process.  I know the Lord is in control, regardless of how things seem to be going backward instead of forward.  I may not be able to see the big picture, but I know He can, and that is the one thing sustaining me through this whole thing.  As frustrating as it all is, I know it will  make sense someday.

I just really want someday to come.  Quickly.

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17 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    Carolyn said,

    So frustrating… I am glad you’re writing about this and sharing your experiences. We will continue to pray for peace and strength as you walk down this road! Love you…

  2. 2

    Holly Simmons said,

    Heather, I felt the need to read this blog & I want you to know that my prayers are with you & your husband, may the Lord heal your body completely. I pray that all goes well & you will have a speedy recovery. In Jesus’ name. Nothing but good wishes for you in your endeavors. <3

  3. 3

    Jill said,

    Heather,
    I am praying for you!!! I was looking forward to seeing you guys. I will pray the cyst will go away! Hang in there and good thoughts coming your way.

  4. 4

    jami said,

    miracles are what God does. so you’re in good hands. love to you…

  5. 5

    Susan said,

    Your post made me laugh as I thought about you and Suz cussing up a storm. That must have been a sight. I have been praying for you faithfully. I will keep pestering God on your behalf. I know He sees the big picture and has great plans in store. Hang in there.

  6. 6

    nancy said,

    Oh Heather…I know this is so frustrating….so go ahead and let go a little…good girl not the f word…..sometimes it is hard not getting what we want, when we want it! We are praying and He is listening…we just have to wait! Waiting so hard and so not fun!!! love you.

  7. 7

    Kristen said,

    praying that “someday” comes sooner rather than later…. love you and standing with you as you go through this process

  8. 8

    Rhonda said,

    Heather you have been on my heart so much! I knew something was going on because you didn’t blog all week and I saw your Mom’s comment ( I love you). I almost called her right then because I just knew something was happening. I pray for you each day and I am so proud of you. God does see the big picture and sometimes our little picture just doesn’t seem like enough! But it is and someday it will make sense! I love you and I continue to pray for your precious family each day! Thank you for being such an inspiration to so many!

  9. 9

    Jocelyn said,

    Praying for you Heather! Your faith is an inspiration to so many.

  10. 10

    Melissa said,

    Heather,
    You know my lovely mouth…I will drop some f-bombs for you…and then follow up with some prayers! Miss my bunko buddy!

  11. 11

    Your Mother said,

    Your tears are precious to God, every one. Psalms 56:8 says He keeps them in a bottle. There are times when we all want to cuss, make no mistake about that, Habakkuk 3:17,18 gives us the alternative. I love you.

  12. 12

    laura said,

    thanks for sharing, heather. know that we are lifting you guys up in prayer and are always supporting you guys. lots of love!

  13. 13

    Jenny said,

    Listen to your mommy, she is wise. I love you and I am praying.

  14. 14

    annalee said,

    noooo. i am so sorry to read this. but continue to pray and trust. you are wonderful.

  15. 15

    Kim said,

    How many, many times have we wanted, needed, someday to come?
    One of the mysteries of walking in the spirit is that, SUDDENLY, no matter how long we’ve waited….SUDDENLY someday comes. It did for us and it will
    for you. Different circumstances but the same prayers for someday to come.
    It will, precious girl….it will come. And, nobody knows better than you what
    surprises those somedays sometimes bring.
    Love and prayers….love and prayers.
    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

  16. 16

    JoRie said,

    Oh Heather….I feel your pain girlfriend! We continue to pray that God shows you the truth, the way, and mostly the light! Hang in there & as always I appreciate your humor! xoxo

  17. 17

    Shannon said,

    I’m so sorry Heather! My 1st appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist had to be postponed due to a death in the family. I’m scheduled for the 28th now and just had a cyst rupture. I will continue to pray for you and in some odd sort of way, I feel your pain. Thanks for sharing your story – it helps me deal with mine.


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